Category: Mockery

Nonsense Not Nonces This Year at Balenciaga

As Bowie once taught us, fashion is big and it's bland, full of tension and fear. (Image © Balenciaga 2023)
As Bowie taught us, fashion is big and it’s bland, full of tension and fear. (Image © Balenciaga 2023)
An edited version of this article is published on UPfront, a site for news and opinion from University of Portsmouth students.

It’s the month of Halloween, and what better way to strike terror into my heart than by watching a ghoulish parade of unholy stick insects clad in weird cloth?

Balenciaga sounds like something I’d pay a Spanish man to do to me in a train station bathroom but today I found out it’s a fashion house – so even more grotesque. Their Summer 24 Collection begins with mournful strings and a French lady talking. Women in black gowns stride confidently alongside celling high crimson drapes, looking for all the world like Red Priestesses ready to birth shadow demons and conquer Westeros. Continue reading “Nonsense Not Nonces This Year at Balenciaga” →

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I Have to Return Some Videotapes

Patrick Bateman inspired me to make a Trump video. It’s really for no reason other than to poke fun at events of the last year. There’s already more than enough people kicking off and bawling salt into their wounds. Let the freaks eat each other and judge the fucker on his time in office.

I remember back in ’05 I bought one of those Good Bush/Bad Bush t-shirts. Some arsehole stole it from my washing line. I assume now that it must’ve been a soldier from beyond the apocalypse whose own clothing couldn’t pass through the time door. That was my first foray into US politics. This is my second.

If there isn’t a third then I’m back on the sauce.

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Exclusive: Cleveland Police Ill-Prepared for Apocalypse

I don’t want to alarm anyone living in Middlesbrough any more than they already will be – having woken up and, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, remembered that they live in Middlesbrough – but far from ‘Putting People First’, Cleveland Police doesn’t have your back; in fact it would appear that they are perfectly content for you and your loved ones to burn in the fires of prophecy.

I put in a Freedom of Information request last month to their HQ; I found a popular template, which helped make me sound smart, and added my query, which didn’t: Continue reading “Exclusive: Cleveland Police Ill-Prepared for Apocalypse” →

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Santa Claus Arrested in Connection with Phone Hacking Probe

NAUGHTY OR NICE? Santa Claus is the latest name to be implicated in the phone hacking scandal.

Children across the world had their world shaken today when the Leveson enquiry into phone hacking saw Father Christmas taken into custody by Northumbria Police.

Exact details are not known at this time, however it is understood that the arrest took place at Santa’s Magical Christmas Grotto in The Mall Shopping Centre, Middlesbrough just before 9am this morning. Continue reading “Santa Claus Arrested in Connection with Phone Hacking Probe” →

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