A Brain Full of Slime

There was no me on the radio today. For anyone tearing their hair out in desperate grief here is a picture of me feeding dinosaurs at the weekend:

Unfortunately I’ve been sick these last few days with what at first I took to be a deadly new contagion that would torment my organs into a viscous paste before sending my pitiful soul straight to the upside-down hell of the agnostic; fortunately, after rest and gentle consideration it turns out I have contracted the more common but no less debilitating man-flu virus.

I missed a presentation and was absent for a graded exercise yesterday; also, as I mentioned, I was unable to go on the radio today.

So of course there were the profuse apologies and the rescheduling; my head isn’t pounding so much with the co-dydramol though so I’ll drag myself in tomorrow and try not to cough minute particles of blood containing flesh-eating parasites that wind up breeding in the air-conditioning and heralding a worldwide pandemic the likes of which not seen since late 1920.

I do have an education to consider, after all.

And in case anyone has noticed the gurning Halloween party pictures of me on everybody’s favourite social networking site and thought: “That dirty motherfucking liar! He wasn’t sick at all, he was probably fucking hungover, the dick. I hope he gets hit by an unlicensed taxi that fails to stop, the deceitful cunt.” Rest assured that the images are from a party last Tuesday where I drank too much and the pub on Saturday where I drank very little because I was feeling poorly.

What is ‘ironic’ is that I was due to have a flu-jab last week but didn’t go because I’m both lazy and scared of needles.

I hope you feel bad now, you bastard. And where are my fucking grapes?

Anyway, normal service will resume.

Is that okay? Can I go now?