Back in December, along with several billion pushchairs, I visited Edinburgh’s pandas. Four months later and one mating season already given up on, I decided I didn’t care what everybody’s favourite asexual bamboo aficionados were up to; instead I wondered how all the other animals were feeling.
1. Chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes)
“Hey, wanker. That’s shit on the glass and it’s there for a reason; take a hint and fuck off.”
2. Gentoo Penguin (Pygoscelis papua)
“Wull they said somethin about a leak in our pool so they shoved some eh us oop here and sent the rest tae other places. Thin ah heard a rumour mah fella was still aroond – och, lovely head a hair and you should have seen the way he swallowed a fish. Beautiful wee man. Six months they reckon it’ll take tae fix our bit but still the bamboo keeps on coming. Fuck they pandas, it’s no right.”
3. Grevy’s Zebra (Equus grevyi)
“If I wanted to see a pair of black and white imbeciles who turn not fucking each other into a circus then I’d spend more time with my parents. Go away.”
4. Hoofstock
“Hoofstock? You mean we don’t even get named properly? I knew it, stuck up here where nobody even looks – you’re the first person to talk to us in I don’t know how long. You see that tower over there with all the bits on it – ‘air traffic control’ is what they say it’s for but you know it’s giving us all cancer. That morning we woke up and Frank was gone – that was after all those strange lights in the sky. 2012, man – it’s all going down. Believe.”
5. Rockhopper Penguin (Eudyptes moseleyi)
“Ah tell ye, they panda cunts appear and uhvery thing turns teh shite. It’s no the same; feels like folk dinnae wanna ken us Penguins. Ah’d peck they feckin eyes oot given half a chance. Och, listen ta me – I just miss mah man.”
6. Meerkat (Suricata suricatta)
“Meerkova? Das verstehe ich nicht – wir kommen aus Köln.”
“Edinburgh Zoo’s the only place in the UK you can see Koala and yet here I am, all ready for the talk at 12.45 and they go and cancel on me without so much as a word. I’m not mad – I’m disappointed; and sleepy.”
8. Diana Monkey (Cercopithecus diana diana)
“Well I wasn’t going to say anything but since you ask, I believe we should simply let those Orientals have their fifteen minutes in the spotlight. Mark my words, we monkeys will be here long after the bamboo fund has dried up.”
9. Patagonion Sea Lion (Otaria flavescens)
“You again, ya fuckin radge? Yeah ah saw yous wi that tripod before, dippit wee cunt prolly takin pictures aw they wee lassies. Face like thunder wuv they shriekin an wailing; well methinks the laddie doth protest too much – why else come by on a seturday, furst day a sun eftur a week a rain. Get tae fuck, ya obvious beast.”
10. Black Stork (Ciconia nigra)
“No good coming to me for anything, human; I’m not endangered and I mate for life. Couldn’t give a toss about Panda bears either way – live and let live. Why not try asking the Beavers in the next cage over what they reckon – although you might find them a bit shy, bearing in mind you lot did hunt them to extinction in this country 400 odd years ago. You used to believe their anal secretions cured headaches; I reckon that must be pretty tough for a species to get over. Go on, put your finger through my cage and stroke my beak, motherfucker.”
Moderately amusing is several points above what I was hoping for 🙂 I posted this on the Zoo’s facebook page and it’s still up there. I hope they don’t ban me as I just bought a membership.
Because anyone can get barred from a place or a bar,but,it takes a true screw-up to get barred from a place full of vicious,shit throwing feral creatures? Well,if anyone can you can:)
CHRIS PARLETT 
Ha Ha Funeeeeee!!!
I’m not terribly sure you have a career in writing PR for Edinburgh Zoo,but,moderately amusing all the same:)
Moderately amusing is several points above what I was hoping for 🙂 I posted this on the Zoo’s facebook page and it’s still up there. I hope they don’t ban me as I just bought a membership.
Before you were risking banishment from bars and islands,now,you’re worrying about being banned from FB?Hpw are the mighty have fallen:)
Banned from facebook? I was talking about the Zoo itself 🙂
Because anyone can get barred from a place or a bar,but,it takes a true screw-up to get barred from a place full of vicious,shit throwing feral creatures? Well,if anyone can you can:)
Banned from the UK? I was talking about the Zoo itself 🙂