How’s your reading? Does it give you headaches? Perhaps you need glasses. Do your lips move? Doesn’t matter, because I need a couple of people who can match the noises coming out of their mouths with the corresponding symbols on the pages of a book, just like back when books were thrilling accounts of all manner of adventures which people in coloured hats were having.
Audiobooks are a good thing. Especially so, I imagine, if you’re blind; or on a long drive; or enjoy Richard Dawkins’ wife reading you his books while you’re playing Skyrim. Did you know that she played a companion of Doctor Who? The show that enthrals children of all ages, especially the tall ones who no doubt long for more fantastic tales of Roger Red-hat.
I’m getting off-topic here. Right, as I said, I’m looking for two people to narrate my novels; well, technically one is a novella although that does depend who you ask since there’s no hard and fast rule as to when a short novel is actually a novella but whatever, they’re both books, of that I’m certain, and without pictures too (well apart from that flow-chart in the second one but that’s allowed as it’s mildly amusing if you’ve had a drink and feel charitable.)
I’m losing the thread again. So, here’s the deal, I need a woman with a Scottish or Northern English accent who is either in her early thirties, or sounds like she is. Insert your own disparaging joke about Geordie girls here, you’ll hear nowt from me – I like the north, it’s where I’m headed before my home town gets turned into a sheet of fucking glass beneath ten metres of sea.
Which reminds me, swearing – there’s plenty of it in both books so prudes need not apply. Likewise homophobes, those who only believe in free speech with the caveat ‘but’ and anyone who violently assaults the young, vulnerable or naive – I’ll be honest, you’ll only get triggered halfway through the recording then I’ll have to find someone else and start over.
So, female required as described: Without Form and Void has a wordcount of 40,422, coming in at an estimated 4.3 hours of reading which will of course take longer because you’re only human. The second only human required is for the 15.9 hours it is estimated The Monsters We Became or Fell For – with a more daunting wordcount of 147,629 – will take to read. This time it’s a male I need, one with a Southern English accent, somewhere between cockney and Home Counties – lad more than la-di-da. You know what I mean.
I do have title profiles (ads) up on the snappily named Audiobook Creation Exchange but what the hell, maybe someone will stumble across this who is unfamiliar with that site but able not only to string a sentence together without bellowing out bloodcurdling threats at those puppet things in the shadows but also looking for ways to make money from home AND have fun, like in those dodgy pop-ups you get on websites I know nothing whatsoever about.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘A 50/50 share in proceeds does sound like an excellent way to make money from home AND have fun but I’m just not sure about this Parlett guy – he does look a bit rapey.’ Well allow me to set your mind at ease: Due to all communication being in the form of electronic messages, we need not ever meet. My title profiles contain everything needed to get the ball rolling and the Audiobook Creation Exchange contains information and instructions relevant to everything else.
Oh, by the way, if your local bookstore had to close down and if it does your head in how large corporations can get away with tax avoidance while treating its employees like dirt then you should look away now. Audible and Audiobook Creation Exchange are both Amazon companies.
Okay, you can look back now. Here are the links to my title profiles.
If you know of anyone who might be interested, please forward this rant to them.
<shilling>Both books available in paperback and on Kindle. Those that have already bought one or, God help you, both, thanks very much. Did you enjoy? If so, do please leave a nice big sexy review for the world to get a load of.</shilling>
Thanks for reading xX
I’ll include the text from those title profiles here for anyone who’s interested. I’ve removed my name because you know what it is or it doesn’t matter, pick one. These do give a better idea of what the books are about than you’d get reading the back covers; I guess I’ve just never been particularly good at selling myself – women, for example, pick me up like a filthy coin on the seat of a night bus and that’s always been enough.
THE MONSTERS WE BECAME OR FELL FOR
Monsters was my first ‘proper’ novel, finished last year, but as I was tied up editing another author’s work, I haven’t had the opportunity or energy to get serious about marketing my own. My hope is that it will capture someone’s imagination here who’ll be able to breathe life into the story.
It’s told from three perspectives, each using a different narrative style, so rather than just copy and paste the first few pages, I’ve provided extracts to give you a feel for it. Of course I’m not expecting the whole lot to be recorded, and forgive me if this sounds as if I’m trying to tell you how to do your job, but trying on the characters to see if they fit feels most important to begin with.
Anyway, the story takes place around 2003; post-911 but pre-social media. Pete (mid-forties) is father to Tony (21) and stepfather to Dave (23). All are born and bred in Portsmouth (I don’t imagine it being much help but my own accent swings anywhere between Home Counties and cockney.)
The prologue begins from Pete’s perspective, moving on to Dave, then to Tony. I’m not including all 52 pages here as I’d rather give a more rounded impression of the somewhat lighter tone throughout most of the rest of the book. Think of it as the dark lining in a silver cloud which ties everything up at the end. It’s all available in the Amazon preview though, should you be interested.
So, put simply, despite the brothers being raised together, an antithesis of the kindness Tony received from his father was the cruelty meted out to Dave. No surprise then that Tony grows up to be self-assured, albeit reckless, with Dave remaining the more sensitive and thoughtful of the pair.
Moving forward to ‘present day’ Denmark begins with the love of Tony’s life driving him up the wall while the only thing Dave pines for more than that country is the love he left it for.
Powerless with weakness, he’d become infatuated with a girl whose affections made him feel like he could take on the world and yet still the reek of his weakness overwhelmed her, so she cast him aside, nothing strengthening her resolve like seeing how much pain she’d caused him, nothing that is until the day he ran away.
Licking his wounds in an England that terrifies him, Dave moves from one unskilled job to another until discovering a far quicker way of raising the funds for his return.
As for Tony, he’d run away too and hadn’t needed much convincing to do so, deciding to spend another summer on the Island – a destination as popular with young seasonal workers as it is with ordinary holidaymakers and which has yet to let him down when it comes to hard graft and easy girls.
Having raised the funds and the courage, Dave returns to find his brother back on the mainland and unforgivingly wild as ever; more a force of nature than a heap of neurotic concerns. No such violent downward spiral into despair for Tony, not when fresh infatuation could glide round any corner.
Despair begets despair just as confidence begets confidence but seeing them back together, are they really so different? Dave running from failure, Tony from responsibility; both cowards in their own way and satisfaction forever elusive. They’d brought their own demons but needn’t have bothered, the city has its own, and crawling things crawl ever closer.
Right then, while that wasn’t a full synopsis it should certainly give you an idea of what to expect. Just to clarify, the story is in parts violent, crude and sexually explicit with elements of fantasy and romance. It really is a tough one to pin down.
This next bit isn’t important but I’ve written it now and I’m too tired to work out if it is or isn’t overly pretentious so I’ll leave it in. The title alludes not just to Pete, to the monster he became or the monster Tony and Dave’s mother fell for, but also to monsters in the nature of those all of us fall for, those we never suspect until a delight rears up without roots in kindness or cruelty but for hate’s sake explicitly.
Big shout out to all the monsters.
Thanks for reading and thank you for your time. By all means drop me a line if you have any questions. Looking forward to hearing from you.
WITHOUT FORM AND VOID
Hello there. The sample following this babbling is the complete first and second chapters which, while a little long for an audition script, should give you a general feel for what to expect from the rest of the novel.
Of course I’m not expecting the lot to be recorded, just as much as you feel is needed to best give your take on the material; however, to be perfectly honest with you, Chapter 2 in its entirety would be a hell of a thing to hear read aloud with suitable feeling.
Anyway, here’s a little background information:
The story – set in Denmark, a couple of decades in the future – is a tongue-in-cheek take on a dark dystopian world and the deteriorating mental wellbeing of an unnamed woman who’s just trying to get on with her life, hold down a job and get laid once in a while.
Regarding her accent, she’s in her early thirties and British but from where exactly is never stated. Though I’m from Portsmouth myself, I had imagined her with a mild Scottish twang as I was living up there while editing. That being said, I remain open to all possibilities but I freely admit to having a soft-spot for the North East.
One other thing I should mention is that she uses the Danish word in place of the English for a few things, here and there – fjernsyn instead of television, for instance – but if I can pronounce it, then anyone can.
Tonally, just have fun with it. Try her on and see if she fits, I reckon.
While this is my second novel, I’m only now putting them both up here, so forgive me if I haven’t provided all the relevant information. By all means drop me a line with any questions you might have, or if you need to read more before making a decision. As I said in the other ad, my hope is that the story will capture someone’s imagination who’ll be able to breathe life into it.
Thanks for reading and thank you for your time. I hope to hear from you soon.
(Oh, and it’s F-jAIRrn-soon, in case you were wondering.)